Lately I’ve been feeling decent. Some days aren’t great, my
head hurts, I’m a little emotional, but on the whole the last week or so has
been OK. I’m very rigid with my after work schedule when I don’t feel good. I
obsess over sleep hygiene and cut myself off from the world so as to not be
distracted. The risk of doing something or being exposed to something that will
upset me is too great.
When I’m in a good place, I feel bad going home after work
to just watch TV and do my normal routine of getting things ready for the next
day. It’s summer. There is plenty of sun. No winter coats or the process of
layering up before leaving the house.
I’m nervous, though. I don’t have friends to call and
hang out with. I have to make friends. I’m still stuck in that mode. Making
friends is draining and takes more than 90 minutes on a Tuesday night. That 90
minutes includes drive time.
I feel like I’m stuck in the gerbil wheel that goes nowhere,
and I’m not running that fast. Last
night, two obnoxious house guests, Guilt and Shame, paid me a visit. I sat on
my couch re-watching season 4 of the Magicians and realized I was on my third
episode.
3 X 40ish minutes = 120 minutes
Two hours of the 5ish hours I have in my evening were spent staring
at the TV. Another hour was spent reading. None of these are activities that
put me out in the world.
Thankfully, Guilt and Shame did not bring their cousin, Hopelessness.
I would rather keep Guilt and Shame if it means I continue to be aware of the
need to get out in the world and have the
desire to do so. Knowing is half the battle, right?
And so the quest for a healthier life continues.
On a side note – season 4, episode 10 of the Magicians – off
the mother fucking chain. I’ve watched that particular episode three times now
and Margot is still moving me to tears. She nails her scenes and her character.
She does an angry breakdown so damn well. I imagine the crying breakdown is
hard to do in acting, but the angry breakdown seems harder to pull off. Idk. I’m
just the observer.
On a side side note – I read Darkness Descends by Alisha Ashton.
It’s fucked me up and now all the books I’m reading are sucky. DD was 700 pages
of awesome. It’s that book which makes the next five books you read seem
subpar. I’m powering through, though…
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